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Heart:                           I am very much capable of loving,

                                      Especially to those people who are hoping.

                                      My world of heartbeat is very solemn

                                      For I only hear beat, beat, pause and nothing.

Ears:                             I may not speak, I may be deaf

                                      But I see thru the music of silence.

                                      If your world is solemn,

                                      Then my world is what muteness condemns.

Heart:                           No excuses of the deaf,

                                      For we share the music of calmness,

                                      But just I am your flavour,

                                      The key to the music of love and happiness.

Ears:                             I may not hear but I hear the unsaid,

                                      And at least the sound of peacefulness

                                      Is never taken for granted.

                                      For this is our form of art and creativeness.

Heart and Ears:         Because art isn’t supposed to look nice;

                                      It is supposed to make you feel something.

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Heart:                           I am very much capable of loving,

                                      Especially to those people who are hoping.

                                      My world of heartbeat is very solemn

                                      For I only hear beat, beat, pause and nothing.

Ears:                             I may not speak, I may be deaf

                                      But I see thru the music of silence.

                                      If your world is solemn,

                                      Then my world is what muteness condemns.

Heart:                           No excuses of the deaf,

                                      For we share the music of calmness,

                                      But just I am your flavour,

                                      The key to the music of love and happiness.

Ears:                             I may not hear but I hear the unsaid,

                                      And at least the sound of peacefulness

                                      Is never taken for granted.

                                      For this is our form of art and creativeness.

Heart and Ears:         Because art isn’t supposed to look nice;

                                      It is supposed to make you feel something.

The Junior In Its' Natural Habitat

To be honest, this truly is the craziest year of English. We actually had to do things unlike the previous years where I would just mindlessly work, eyes defocusing during class and even then, I'd get lines of nines. I did absolutely nothing before and I'd still pass but I had to actually work for everything to earn what I have now this year. It's a really foreign feeling and I don't know if I'm complaining or not. Yes I am.

I've experienced performances and stuff that I'm not proud of. I'd be willing to pay about eight goats to remove the amount of stress these things have caused me. None of them were successful except for our last one, a conventional rendition of The Bells by Edgar Alan (Emo King) Poe. I wasn't even satisfied with that one but maybe that's just my natural tendency to criticize every detail of everything I do.

All that is just English class though. I know it's not part of what's being asked but to make this more lengthy, I'd like to talk about third year life in general. (I've been typing up blogs for about an hour now and the voice in my head is starting to sound numb to me already so I might as well hurry this up.)

Junior life is. . .well, it really has been something. The most stressful year ever. I know everyone says that to the point that it has become cliche but it's the truth. The amount of work we have had to do simply isn't fair and I could call it slavery if we weren't sent by our parents to do all this. 

Third year really does give emphasis on how terrible the system is and yes, I mean this in the harshest way possible. The fact that I have had mental breakdowns and have stayed up until one in the morning and for wentz' sake, cried because of junior year really says something about how the education system is. It's not good, it's ruining young ones mentally and emotionally and it's kind of like Hell but colder. Again, I do mean this in the harshest way. I am not holding back, this is what I know to be the purest truth.

Papers upon papers and projects upon projects due in three days? Words upon words upon words to memorize for AP class? No. I'm fine sipping a Martini and being with everything and everyone that matters, thank you very much.

Junior year taught me that no matter how much anyone tries to get you to believe in their beliefs, do not fall victim to their snares. Don't drink the poison they have handed you in a golden vial on a silver platter. It sounds pretty coming from someone older but just because they're older, doesn't mean they're automatically right.

An example is AP class. One time, we were "learning" (you hardly mean that word anymore these days) about the bad effects of Enlightenment or something like that (forgive me I wasn't paying attention), one of the bad effects were atheism.

Atheism, according to our teacher, is a bad thing.

In my head, I was about ready to blow up at her but come on, she's like, 60 years old that would just be cruel. It's just that it really made my blood boil because I basically just got "taught" that I am a bad effect of Enlightenment. Gee, ma'am, thanks. I really appreciate you "teaching" me that my beliefs are wrong and that yours are right. Thank you for letting me see the error of my ways. Thank you for dictating to me what I should believe in. That's very considerate of you.

To top it off, she ridicules homosexuals as well! Splendid! What a great role model! Indeed, we should follow her example of condemning a whole 1/9th of the population to Hell for who they love!

These, dear person who is reading this, are examples of school shoving things down our throats even if we don't want them shoved down our throats. Filipinos are very well-known to be close-minded and it's partly because of school.

Junior year fueled my hatred of the institution.

If I Ever Let You Down, I'm Sorry

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,

I've been thinking lately about you and me and all the questions left unanswered, how it all could be. I hope you know you never left my head, and if I ever let you down, I'm sorry. I see you around here lately, you smile brighter than you should. And me? I've been so lonely, I'm glad you're doing good.

I can't forget the way it used to be. You know that you can take all of me. I swear I will be better than before. I'm sorry for the things I've done, I'm sorry for who I was, and how I treated you. 

I'm not good with apologies and I very rarely apologize, you know that, and you know that it's because my pride is a big capsule that I can't swallow. But hey, I guess I just did apologize. Achievement unlocked.

   Sincerely,

  Aina

Not At All

I'm not special.

I am nothing. I'm the background voice in a song, barely audible. I'm the minnow in a school of sharks. I'm the snake hidden in your daffodils when you're picking flowers. I am the scars on a clean wrist. I'm nothing special and I'm nothing good. I'm the thorns on the rose, everyone picks me and throws me out eventually. I'm always the last choice. None of my friends genuinely like me. I'm a threat to what's left of humanity's hope for excellence.

I managed to mess everything up all the time and I'm fat and I'm a terrible person overall. I'm selfish and ignorant and you won't believe how judgmental when it comes to a certain topic. I'm so bland and boring and so painfully sadistic towards myself that I think maybe that's what makes me special.

Sometimes, I wish I could dig a hole in my chest and puff out my soul because it's worthless; because existing is worthless if I can't do anything right. I'm just the anchor to everyone's success. I weigh everyone down. I'm a corpse. I died long ago and I'm just a hollow shell of myself now, waiting for the year my own lifeless body will finally join its other half. I'm the gasping breaths you take that never do come before you drown and please, don't tell me otherwise because you're just kidding yourself if you think I'm special.

I'm special in the way that I'm not.

Just Praying to a God That I Don't Believe In

Dear Hypothetically Existing God,

I don't believe in any divine entity, I'll give you that, but many other people seem to. (That's why I'm writing this letter actually, because they're inconsiderate that maybe not everyone believes in a god but you know, I'll let it slide. I can't blame them for not being out there in the world and opening their minds much. Typical Filipinos.) If you exist though, then I'd tell you that my family is very important to me and that my parents value me as their daughter and I am very thankful for them. Thank you for giving them to me.

According to the glimpses of the Bible I've managed to hear from other people, you watch everyone and everything and lead them to their destinies or something like that. So if you really do watch every breath my mom and dad take then you know that they are good people with kind hearts and good intentions. They are hardworking people who just want to keep their family alive.

Please give them a nice life and good health and bring them up to your kingdom when their time is done. They deserve the world and you can give it to them.

From,
Aina

Forget Regret!

My biggest regret is something I best keep to myself. I'm the only person who knows what my biggest regret is and I'd rather keep it that way to avoid exposing my selfishness. Let's just say that my biggest regret is something that lead to what's causing me problems right now and if I had been less ignorant, I could have avoided it. It's my own half-assedness' fault that I'm moping right now.

Which leads me to what I'm about to say.

Regret, regret, regret. It's like a disease. It's something that's almost irreparable unless you forget about it. Its' side effect is something I suffer from and have been suffering from since I can remember and that is self-hate.

Do you know what self-hate feels like? When your very soul seems to resent its own existence; when you feel like you want to cut yourself out of your skin and you feel like you're so small compared to these beings walking alongside you. Self-hate is so very very hard to get rid of and honestly, it's near impossible to do so.

No one's words will wipe away the blood that so profusely leaks from the wounds caused by self-hate. It's something that you have to fix yourself and to do that, your mentality has to be right. No matter how many times someone opposes your claims of the flaws you have, you can never really be convinced because you never really believe what anyone says.

I can't tell you my biggest regret but I can tell you the thing closest to it and it's the side effect of that regret. My second biggest regret is the self-hate that came with it.